The Greatest Sin of Falling in Love in a Bar 20

For the woman I want to spend eternal happiness with

That’s what the writing on the side of the box means. I went back inside to search for its meaning. It brought more pain to me, knowing that the man who wanted to spend eternity with me is already gone.

I wish I could’ve done anything to save him, to bring him back to life. I rested the box on the side table of my bed. I didn’t want to open it.

I covered my face with both hands and started sobbing. I still can’t believe how I lost the man I love most. It was like a shadow gone in a blink of an eye.

How I wish it was me, I thought.

I didn’t know how to accept things easily. For a moment, he was with me… then one minute, he’s gone.

Do I really deserve this? I asked myself.

I asked myself a lot of questions, yet I didn’t even know what the answers were.

I wiped my tears and looked at the box that Uncle Fred gave me. At first, I didn’t want to open it, but something told me to do so. I read the writing again.

pro mulier volo consumo eternus tripudium

I untied the ribbon and slowly lifted the cover. There were letters and postcards inside the box. I picked one of the postcards with a picture of a yellow bus and tried to read it. It said…

March 16

My first out-of-town-trip with Nikki. We both had fun. I didn’t bring my car. Nikki wanted it that way. She wants us to enjoy the sceneries, so we took a bus going to Nikki’s parents’ hometown. It was hell scary and exhausting, but it was fun. It has never been this fun. In fact, it was fulfilling — being with Nikki alone in a trip like this.

I saw her eyes glittered as she tells me stories about her childhood and her experiences in that small town. 

When we got there, I felt relaxed. The air was fresh, the lake water was cool. I’ve never seen such beautiful place.

I imagined myself and Nikki settling down on that place – where we could have our own beautiful house with wonderful children running around the green grassland.

The fresh scent of the green meadows brought me back to my childhood, where nothing else matters but to play like there’s no tomorrow.

I hope Nikki would agree making future plans with me. I hope I’m going to be her future.

Tears flowed on my cheeks. I never thought Jazz took everything about us very seriously. I mean, I was serious about our relationship, but not the way he looked at it.

Now, everything seemed meaningless. It’s now a dream that will never come true — not ever. I took another postcard, this time, with a beautiful sunset on the cover.

August 24

A beautiful, serene sight. We’re six months now… and still counting. Hopefully, this six months will become six years, six decades, six scores, six centuries, six millenia… and a lifetime.

I could never imagine life without her - it’s meaningless, it’s hopeless, it’s an end to everything for me.

I love her so much and I hope she realized that. I always tell her how much I love her and how much she matters to me and how important she is to me — I wish that wouldn’t scare her at all!

My tears was never-ending. I really felt lonely and depressed for losing such a wonderful person… and I’m never gonna have him back. I’ll never go anywhere until his funeral next week… not anywhere… not even outside my bedroom.

…to be continued

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