I was in the supermarket, buying groceries when I suddenly saw a familiar face from a distance. I tried to look away and went to another direction when he suddenly called me.
“Nikki! Wait!”
It was Stephen. I turned around as if I just heard him. I smiled. Although it was hard for me to do, I had to compose myself in front of him.
“Oh, hi! How are you?” I asked.
Instead of answering, he gave me a bitter smile. I saw pain in his eyes. It was weird because I felt for him.
“I’m sorry for what happened to us,” he said.
“I’m fine, Steve. I’m through with it. There was never an ‘us’ at all… and I’ve already learned to accept that,” I told him. It was painful, I know , but I have to let it out.
He lowered down his head. I looked at him. I’ve realized a lot of changes in him. He looked rugged and awful. It’s like he never cared how to clothe himself properly. He had grown beard on his face. His hair grew a little longer than before. It’s not him at all.
“I have to go now,” I told him. I turned around and pushed my shopping cart.
“I love you, Nikki,” he suddenly said. I froze for a while. I was dumbfounded with what he said. I don’t know what to say or do.
“I have always wanted to tell you that I love you. I had already loved you at Jazz’s letters. I had loved you the way Jazz described you in his writings. I had love you on his necrological mass, when you’re at the podium saying your last goodbye to him.”
“But you weren’t there,” I said as I faced him.
“I was there,” he answered. “I didn’t show myself to anyone at that time because I was too devastated with what happened to my only cousin.”
I was in awe. I ran out of words to say.
“I had loved you, Nick,” he continued, “the first time we spoke in that club. I fell in love with you the first time your skin touched mine,” he cried.
For a moment, I reflected on the things he just said. Maybe, they were true. I was so confused that I wasn’t able to say anything like somebody held my tongue.
He continued, “…but I never told you that I love you because I was too scared. I was scared that I might scare you away or might live forever in Jazz’s shadow. I don’t want to compete with him. I don’t want to be him. I don’t want you to see me or like me or love me because you saw Jazz in me or that you know I’m related to him,” he cried even more. I cannot believe he just let out all the emotions he felt inside. I didn’t know how painful it was for him, but I know there was pain in his heart.
“I know, Nick, that I wasn’t brave enough to tell you how much I love you… and that way, I hurt you without any intentions of hurting you at all. I saw you suffer from such pain and seeing you that way breaks my heart so much.”
I was already crying. I don’t know what I should exactly say. Stephen was crying so hard. It’s probably because of the pain and confusion he was feeling inside him.
“I didn’t tell you because I don’t want you to think that I’m taking advantage of you. I love you so much with all my heart…” he paused and lowered his head again. “I love you and it’s hard to live everyday without telling you that.”
The people in the supermarket were looking at us, as if they’re watching a scene in a movie. What happened next was very surprising to me. Stephen knelt.
“I’m sorry, Nick. Please forgive me for what I’ve caused you. I’m sorry because I brought you into such pain. I’m sorry if I made you feel unloved. I’m sorry.”
“I forgive you, Steve… but the thing about us is just a part of our yesterday. Let’s both move forward. You’re getting married with Reese and I’m pregnant with Aaron. Let’s stop whatever we had started. Let’s start a new life without each other,” I turned and left him. I wiped my tears away. I really felt heavy that I didn’t continue buying groceries for me. I went home and cried for the whole day.
…to be continued
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